True Stories About the Stupidest People You’ll Ever Meet
It Takes Skill to Get Canned From McDonald's
An old co-worker named James. We worked at McDonald’s and were both 16. One time, while mopping the lobby, he for some unknown reason decided to chase a number of customers around with the mop yelling “I’m gonna getcha.” He was fired on the spot.
Can the argument be made that this individual was just trying to lighten the mood while people waited for their McNuggets and fries?
Hammer Time... Or Not
A girl from my elementary school believed that outer space isn’t real, that Benjamin Franklin invented the time machine, and she was unaware of hammers.
Some people think the world is flat, others that smoking is the best thing out there to protect a person from the flu. And those people are adults. We’re not sure how old this person is now, but it might be those clubs have another card-carrying member.
Maybe They Meant Phat
I work at a country club. He started out working in the kitchen. Every day when he arrived he would walk around with his German-style motorcycle helmet on his head for at least an hour.
He never wore gloves and would smoke while working in the kitchen (clearly not acceptable) and if not smoking would have a half burnt cigarette hanging on his lips.
He was reported for telling a woman she shouldn’t get a hamburger because she was too fat.
Could Toasters Be More Complicated Than We Think?
This one guy was a real blast to work with, although he always managed to find a way to screw things up. He once put about 16 pies in the oven and managed to not set the timer. He constantly burnt stuff in the toaster, which is pretty idiot proof.
And has served sausage that was cooked on the regular meat time and setting, and then laughed about it —regular meat spends roughly 40 seconds while the sausage spends 90 seconds on the grill.
When Science Isn't Your Strong Point
I had a boss named Tammy. Someone asked what happens during an eclipse. Tammy grandly explained that the eclipse would occur when America went in front of the moon, blocking our (Australia’s) view of it.
Like she literally thought the earth stretched itself into like a U bend or neck pillow shape, and half of it stayed in our normal orbit, and the other half stretched itself over and around to casually block the moon for the rest of the Earth.
This Is Why We're All in Trouble
My roommate for the last three years once said that if solar technology keeps advancing at the rate it is, we will absorb all the energy made by the sun and fix global warming.
Not five minutes later after attempting to inform this poor fellow about how the sun’s energy output is not determined by what the energy eventually interacts with, he states that wind farms are worse because they cause tropical storms.
It's the Thought That Counts
I am half Korean and was going to high school in the Midwest during the 1992 LA riots. My typing teacher pulled me into the hallway and asked if I had an uncle or something I can call in LA to make the riots stop. She said she knew that we are all close and we all have stores and whatnot, therefore I must have a connection there. I was like, “Lady, even if I did have an uncle I could call, do you think he is Batman?”
The Yolk's on You
Our biggest argument was over whether the correct phrase is “egg yolk” or “egg oak.”
Occasionally, people mishear a word and then things can’t get out of control pretty quick. These mishearings are called mondegreens and we’ve all encountered them, especially when it comes to song lyrics. What you read above is a different take on that, except that in its case one argument is being made by someone who no one ever wants on their bar trivia team.
This Makes Sense to Someone
Co-worker was anti-wind mills. When I asked why, she said, “There are way too many popping up and we’re going to use up all of the wind.”
I was speechless. I’m never speechless.
There’s a reason why some people are against trying to clean up the planet. Sometimes, cleaning things up does just as much damage as trying to save it — like when you try to salvage a non-renewable resource such as wind…
Getting Fired Before You're Even Hired
I have a friend who was out of work and looking for a job, only to strike up a conversation with the CEO of a company he was interested in working for. The CEO liked him and told him to show up the next day at 10, to his house no less.
He showed up at 10.
The lights were out and no one answered, so he rang the doorbell until the CEO woke up and told him to get the heck off his property.
Frying Up a Big Batch of Dumb
When I was in the Navy, there was a cook on my ship. He once served “rare” chicken. I genuinely couldn’t tell whether he was trying to cover up his limitless incompetence or if he genuinely believed that rare poultry is a real thing.
Another time he was supposed to make sugar cookies, you know, several hundred of them for the whole crew. He didn’t bother to read the label on the container he opened, and apparently, he didn’t taste the batter at any point, and he actually made salt cookies.
Never Pull a Heist With This Guy
Guy stole a bike. Cop stopped him and asked where he got it. He said he stole it.
“That’s one of the main things I’ve learned: honesty is paramount. The biggest thing I try and instil in my daughter. My deepest regrets have been to do with times that I’ve been dishonest. There’s nothing worse than getting caught out in a lie. It’s excruciatingly embarrassing.” — David Thewlis
Someone besides us has read this quote.
People Are Stupid — Bank on It
My friend’s father robbed a bank in a small town in Indiana where he lived. This was in the late ‘70s or early ‘80s. He spent 10 years in prison for the crime. The same day he was released from prison, he robbed the same bank again.
He was caught and back to prison he goes. He did not learn in those 10 years not to rob any banks or anything of that sort.
How Many Smart Racists Do You Know?
The first odd thing my brother noticed about his girlfriend was that she never learned to read an analog clock. She believes that credit cards are free money and the fact that she can’t get another credit card (for not paying) was because “the Jews” were mad that she figured out how to get free money.
She also can’t do math. Single digit addition requires the use of fingers and she still only gets the right answer about half the time. Subtraction is right out.
Is There an App for That?
Someone managed to get fired from three different jobs (food service/cleaning) in four months because she kept “forgetting to go to work” and the people who ran the place were “total jerks” for firing her for “forgetting one thing.”
First off, it might be helpful to define exactly what an individual considers to be “work.” On top of that, any sort of effort put forth can be measured on a sliding scale that varies from person-to-person and how many times they’ve been canned.
Never Follow the Leader
My brother and his girlfriend both got salmonella from eating food she cooked. After some questioning, she admitted that she cooked the chicken “Rare, because that’s how the expensive places do it.”
Cooking is fun. Whipping something up from scratch can usually be a pretty good time. Creating something that nearly puts you and a loved one in the hospital despite the fact that both of should’ve known better than to have eaten it in the first place? Priceless.
At Least She Won't Stumble Across This Online
My brother’s girlfriend can barely read and can’t write anything more than a few simple words. She has actually drawn cryptic pictures instead of leaving a note for my brother. I thought my brother was joking and referencing Charlie Kelly’s illiteracy from It’s Always Sunny. He wasn’t joking and hadn’t watched the show.
The illiteracy was originally discovered because she had burned or under-cooked a significant number of the pre-made frozen dinners my brother started buying. She couldn’t figure out the instructions, so she was just guessing.
Sex Makes You Think Crazy Things
My brother’s girlfriend believed she couldn’t get pregnant because her mom allegedly told her that only teenage girls get periods. Since her periods didn’t magically stop on the day of her 20th birthday, she believed her womb was “busted” like her aunt’s and she couldn’t get pregnant.
My brother, the second stupidest person I know, believed her and said that our mother, who is a nurse practitioner of gynecology, was full of you-know-what.
You Can't Rush a Dummy
Had a next-door neighbor who robbed a Howard Johnson’s at the top of our street at gunpoint, wearing a ski mask. Took the money, took off the mask and was walking home (two blocks down said street) when cops pulled him over and found the mask, the gun, and the money. He was wasted and asked them, “Would it help if I said I’m sorry?” Got a couple years in Riker’s Island.
Put Down the Wacky Tobaccy, Einstein
I know a guy who smokes a lot of weed and is fairly overweight. He had been trying to find work but was having trouble finding a job since everything he was interested in drug tested. He told my boyfriend that he had a plan that might help him pass a drug test.
Since weed supposedly gets stored in your fat cells, he proposed that he should just eat even more than he normally does so he can gain weight. That way, the fat that he gained would replace the “weed fat.”
Clothes: The Full Body Condom
She ashamedly told us, her coworkers, how she cuddled with her boyfriend and thought she was pregnant. They were wearing clothes. She wasn’t pregnant.
She also thought the Great Depression was in the ‘60s and that so was the end of World War II. In the ‘60s. She’s a nurse now.
On the bright side of all of this, we’re not sure if knowing basic history plays a major role in trying to keep people healthy.
At Least She's Asking the Right Questions
We were on a drive through an animal park. We see an animal. She asks, “What kind of meat would that one be?” Someone replies, “Oh, it’d probably taste similar to beef I’d imagine”.
A few minutes later we see a different animal. She asks, “And what about that one? Would it be, like, a fillet or a T-bone or something?” Then I realized that this woman thinks different cuts of meat come from different animals.
What a Cheeseball
Once at a restaurant in New Orleans, my friend ordered macaroni and cheese. At the table with about 15 other people he says out loud, “How did macaroni and cheese become a thing?” To which I replied, “What do you mean?”
He says “I mean, it’s so redundant, you know?” I say “What? How is macaroni and cheese redundant?” And he says “Think about it. You’ve got cheese and then you have pasta, which is made of cheese.” HE THOUGHT ALL PASTA WAS MADE OF CHEESE…
Atomic Means Different Things to Different People
When I was a teenager my friend’s older brother was one of the dumbest people I’d ever encountered. We once witnessed him trying to see inside a motorcycle gas tank using a Bic lighter. He assured us a lighter flame isn’t hot enough to ignite gasoline.
On another occasion, we got into a debate concerning the power of an atomic bomb. He was dead set that it could only take out “like two houses max!”
This Is Why Velcro Is Great for Shoes
I have seen some people do some very strange and disgusting things. I’ve seen everything from an employee (literally) not know the change denominations, to a stoner employee try to sell weed to random customers, clean trash cans in the food sink and pronounce sesame buns as Sea-Sam-bun.
I also know a kid that ate an over-cooked egg patty that sat on top of raw fish, nuggets and beef.