The Most Satisfying Public Humiliations People Have Ever Seen
Free Isn't Always Better
My first job in NYC was at a pet food place. I was a brand rep.
One day I have to share a table with a rep from a rival company who’s passing out free samples. A woman comes in with two prissy little pugs. The rrep throws a few treats down; the dogs gobble them up.
The first pug projectile-vomits all over the second pug. The second pug projectile-vomits all over the rival dog-food rep.
Gnomeo & Juliet Blues
I went out to return a DVD to a RedBox There was a couple with their child browsing the movies. I asked if I could quickly return my movie. In a very rude tone, the wife told me that I could wait my turn.
The child starts crying because the vending machine does not have Gnomeo & Juliet.
I show her that I was here to return Gnomeo & Juliet, but I can’t wait any longer. I hopped into my car as the kid falls to the ground in a screaming temper tantrum.
Slip Slidin' Away
At a large outdoor music festival: It had rained the previous night, and the concert grounds were very muddy. To get to the porta-johns you had to walk down a rather steep/dark decline to where rainwater had pooled in a culvert.
The hill turned out to be far more entertaining than the concert, so we sat there watching the seemingly endless stream of victims make their approach. Must have seen 300+ people take a digger on that hill.
It had just finished raining, and the road was punctuated by very large puddles. I’m walking, umbrella in hand. Coming my way are four girls, really snobby-looking. I see a rusted pickup truck barreling my way…
I drop to a crouch, open my umbrella to the road. The girls are five feet in front of me. One of them says, “Um, what the hell are you doing?”
The truck swerves into the puddle.
The girls were covered in filthy ditch water, snotty looks frozen in astonishment.
Accidental Stunt Driver
We drive right through the middle of a lot and end up hitting a curb with the entire left side of the vehicle.
As we’re standing there, we see a minivan come flying through the lot… probably going at least 30-40mph and they were headed right for the curb.
He hit it square with both front tires and the van launched in the air like it was straight out of a movie. Came down hard on the front end… there had to be damage.
That'll Teach You
My ex-wife got a DUI while out with the dude she left me for, less than a week after she dropped the news and moved out. Within a week of the DUI, I enjoyed giving her the news that legally I’ll get to keep the house.
Within a month, she went from married with a great combined income in a nice house to living with her parents, lacking any vehicle and credit card debt almost equal to her meager public teacher annual salary.
Pay Now, or Pay Later
When I was going through a divorce because my wife cheated on me, I allowed her to remain on my health insurance as long as she paid me monthly for the bill until the divorce was finalized. She never paid me, and I had her removed.
She had a huge nose and convinced some plastic surgeon to do a nose job and bill it to insurance as “deviated septum” surgery. She was left with a $6,000 bill but would have gotten away with it had she sent me $270 for health insurance.
Dropping a Bomb
My brother and I (like, nine and 11, maybe?) were waiting in line for a pony ride when this woman shoved us out of the way so her kid could get in front of us. While I was standing there imagining feeding the lady to a pony, blamo! Bird poops on her head. If she hadn’t shoved us, that would’ve been me.
We’re not sure if this is what John Lennon meant by Instant Karma, but that’s what we hear in our heads reading this.
Father Doesn't Know Best
My ex-husband quit his 120k-a-year pharmacist job because he “didn’t like doing it” (real reason is he got fired for stealing narcotics). He lives in his parents’ basement and doesn’t even have enough gas money to come see his kids.
He has some girlfriend who moved several hundred miles away. He is constantly lamenting trying to save up money to visit her. I enjoy watching his crummy life as it just gets worse. Meanwhile, our kids and I are living a great life.
Cheers to Bad-Tempered Strangers
I’m out drinking at a college bar in Boston. A (drunk) dude comes up behind me and gooses my bottom. I turn around and he gets in my face, then pushes me in the chest.
Fighting is not generally my thing, but not seeing any other choice, I give him a good shove. Before he can rush me, five guys I have never seen before start beating him up. They get thrown out, and I finish the night with my friends.
The Louder They Are, the Harder They Fall
One guy and his buddies I remember at a hockey game were the worst. Through the entire first period he is a nonstop torrent of cussing and stupid ranting. Just when we start to think he got his dumb butt kicked out, he comes stumbling back beer in hand with one of his buddies.
Just as someone yells “Don’t mess up!” his readjustment destroys his already tenuous balance and he topples backwards. His fall and subsequent ejection got the loudest applause of the night.
Kicking the Concrete Bucket
I was a high school sophomore at my first “real” party. Feeling dorky and talking to some girls I knew from class. This muscle-head comes up to me, parts the girls with his hands and punches me for no reason other than he was drunk and wanted to make his friends laugh.
On my way out, muscle head is lying on the front walkway next to a cracked concrete planter. He’d decided he could kick it. Six weeks on crutches for a broken foot.
The Cruelties of Life
When I was 13 years old, I was dealing with a stressful home life. I was bullied by a classmate. We had three or four classes together, so he found it entertaining to do things like trip me, punch me, spit in my face, tell me how worthless I was.
Two months into the year, I hear that Mr. Bully’s father gets in an argument with Mr. Bully’s mom and kills her. I suppose I should have felt bad for him, but I didn’t. Not at all.
I was at the gym running on the track when I spotted a girl on one of those huge Stairmasters with the escalator-type stairs. She slipped and fell, but instead of letting go, she hung on for a while… she was bouncing up and down in pain like a cartoon.
I had to stop running because I was laughing so hard.
We’re guessing trying to lend a helping hand was too much of a workout?
I was sitting on the porch of my mom’s house when the ice cream truck came through the neighborhood. The kid down the street (fat, mean-faced, buzz cut, striped shirt, the whole nine yards) comes out of his house.
He starts chasing the ice cream truck up the hill, he can’t run very fast and the ice cream truck outdistances him. He walked back to his house with the most dejected shuffle I’ve ever seen.
Face First Into Embarrassment
At my workplace, we have two glass “in” doors and two glass “out” doors. On a daily basis, I will get some jerk angrily complaining about this or that, storm away from the counter and slam face first into the clearly marked, one-way opening “in” doors. And I love it.
These are the same people who take phone calls in crowded elevators and don’t hold doors open for anyone — even if they know which one to use in the first place.
Some People Get What's Coming to Them
I went to school with a jerk kid who teased me and ragged on me all the time.
Junior year of high school, he and one of his jerk friends were driving his brand-new Camaro. They were drunk, driving 70mph when they hit a tree. The prick put himself in a coma.
I don’t like to wish those kinds of injury on anyone, but if it had to happen to someone, I’m glad it happened to someone who deserved it.
Going to College Doesn't Mean You're Smart
In college, I lived in a six-bedroom house with a bunch of guys. I was gone for the summer and some of my roommates’ friends had problems with me. They thought it would be hilarious to punch a hole in my wall and make me pay the security deposit.
One of the dudes broke his hand on the wall and my roommates made them fix the hole because they knew it was a trashy thing to do.
The Joy of Vengeance
Manager was engaged to a girl at the company and boinking a girl on my team. Girl didn’t like her review, so his sex buddy tried to get me to sign the change. I would not. He then put me on night shifts while my wife was pregnant — as well as having a three-year-old.
Fast forward ten years. My wife overhears a familiar voice going in for an interview. My wife had a conversation with the person doing the interview…he was blacklisted.
I couldn’t stop smiling for a month.
The High Cost of Being a Pain
My inept boss put everyone in the office through major drama in preparation for his overseas trip. While on the trip, he has been complaining non-stop that he couldn’t connect to the hotel Wi-Fi. He has been emailing and micromanaging via his laptop tethered to his phone.
It seems he forgot to ask for international data roaming on his phone. In one week he racked up $4,000 in data charges.
This might explain why I’ve not received any email from him in days.
Burn Baby, Burn
During a conversation with a client, my boss mistook our coffee thermos for the hand sanitizer and burned the ever-living heck out of his hands.
Considering that most people prefer their coffee to be pushing the 71°C (160°F) mark, chances are pretty good that this boss might have hired some employees who are a little on the sadistic side if this brought them pleasure. Of course, if he’s mistaking coffee for hand sanitizer he might not be too bright to begin with.
Someone who worked under me decided to quit in a big dramatic way, writing me a three-page letter about how I’m the reason nothing is working, that I’m the worst person in the world, blah blah.
The entire letter was completely BS.
A few months later, he has an internship with a baseball team: his job is to stand on the pitcher’s mound before the game while the crowd throws balls into a bucket on his head.
Sound Familiar, Dear?
My ex-wife cheated on me a year after we married. I kept my cool, was the bigger person as an example to my daughter.
My ex got re-married in March 2010. The guy she married has been cheating on her. She said this the other day, “There is no excuse for anyone to cheat in a marriage.” I said, “This is what you put me through.”
As it sunk in I felt like it was all worth it as she realized this was her just due.
A Boss in Name Only
I once had a boss who was an uber-douche. When the company was going through a “reorganization,” e arranged to have the guy below him who worked his butt off fired and he then “took” on those responsibilities, minus being productive in any way.
I quit after realizing that I couldn’t win against this guy. Years go by and I get a call from my mother. That company lost their biggest contract and has gone under. The douche boss was the sole cause.
Road Rage Happiness
As so frequently happens in the great, white, snowy north, there are few things as satisfying as seeing some jerkface fly by you on a slippery, slushy road and then seeing them in the ditch a few miles later.
It always seems new levels of satisfaction can be reached on a sliding scale depending on how expensive the vehicle is and whether or not it’s an all-terrain 4×4…